Today was just an overall sucky day. Even the things that happened that were good were sort of cloudy. Nine years ago today I lost a brother and close friend. This day has since had a very mysterious and frustrating hold on me. I wish it didn’t. Felipe will still be gone tomorrow, and yesterday my situation was no different either. But today. WHY? Nine years sounds like such a long time. Still, on this date it seems like no time has passed at all. Is year nine supposed to be one of the harder ones too? Because I feel like this one was a real doozy. I could barely look at the photo of him, even though I still posted it to my instagram. Ugh. I was grateful at the end of day to share my grief with my friend Evan who prayed over me with Clark. I ended up pulling myself together in the end. All day was tough. I woke up with a heaviness and it struck me immediately why… it’s the 23rd of October. I wondered how I was going to make it through the day. Why did I sign up to lead worship on the 23rd? Why was there a meeting scheduled for me dealing with heavy issues needing to be addressed? UGH. It was a very long day. It just gets me every time. Every year I promise myself that I won’t cry today.
I texted my mom this morning and said “trying to be happy today”. She reminded me that being happy isn’t the goal today. How right she is. It’s okay to grieve. Even in Evan’s prayer over me we thanked God that He grieves alongside us and allows us the space to do that. God isn’t afraid of my grief and He holds my hand and guides me through it if I let Him. Sometimes it’s just a tornado though. It grabs anything in it’s path and it’s devastating. Tonight my grief grabbed my brain and my worship leading… I let these circumstances really mess me. I guess I should not feel bad about that. I need to learn that it doesn’t matter how many years have passed, grief is grief. It comes in waves, it comes and goes, it does what it pleases. I know I do have some element of control over it, but mostly not. Sometimes I just need to cry! Then I get angry that I let today have that much power and control over my emotions. Shouldn’t I be bigger than this? Or like, more over it? Or, I don’t know. Yeah. No.
So for those of you dealing with grief out there as well… hi friends. You get me. When I lost Felipe my world was literarily turned upside down and nothing is the same and everything is suckier. Not that there hasn’t been some wonderful things happen since then. I got married. Three beautiful nephews. Fab met Kem. Ollie. Then again, all those joyous occasions – at least for today – sort of grieves me more. Even on happy days a part of me is still stuck on the day he died. My brother Fab stated it so perfectly this morning. A part of him was lost forever to October 23rd. There’s a part of you that just never moves on “like everything else moved on and time flew by” but a small part of him lives on this day nine years ago. On the one hand, nine years DID fly by. Because when we first lost him we would say silly things like “ugh, I just can’t wait until 5 years from now, 10 years, etc when things are a little better” like time could heal us or something. Well. Nine years later and grief is the same old crap, but may manifest a little different. Would I want to ever experience what I did on the first October 23rd? NO. Is there a stronger word than “NO” for that?! However, I could have never understood how grief is a life long process.
Cheers to the process. I guess. At least we’re going through it together friends. Right? I hope so.
Felipe, I will see you soon. “Home is heaven… one day Lord I will live”