Truest Self

Hey guys. Officially I’m on a posting break (as you may have seen here), but unofficially here I am at L2B past midnight. Typical. I’ve been traveling a lot this summer and otherwise attempting to “rest” my creative posting brains in order to save up and prep for fall posting schedule. So, either I’m about to break that concept apart completely or come up with something genius. We’ll see.

I’ve been thinking today about your truest self. Have you ever been to place where you felt free and back to the real “you”? Maybe you went back to a childhood cabin on a serene lake and suddenly remembered the “breath of fresh air” for you soul. It comes when you feel most like yourself. The truest form of YOU. More free and unburdened. No distractions or limits to just being you. It’s like you felt a good and familiar bright white cloud fade back in… nothing like the current darkened skies of burdens, fears, or anxiety. You think “it feels good to be me again”. Just me. You can feel safe and think about whatever comforts you want. For me, there are a few triggers that in retrospect I can identify. Smells. Places. A specific scent or location and now today it’s also apparently a movie.

I just watched (for the second time) “Best of Me” which is based on a Nicholas Sparks book, of course. I don’t like or condone everything in the film but I found the story and female lead character fascinating. As a teenager she was uninhibited and loved and dreamed in her truest form. As an adult, over twenty years later, she returns to a specific place that helped define her in those younger truer years. I’m watching this scene and all of a sudden I’m feeling so pleased. I’m remembering times where I returned in a full circle sort of way to find myself at my truest form. I’m happy that I can go to places or find space and time to return again. Moments in time and space where I can find myself to just sit back and let out a sigh of relief that I’m free to be me with complete contentment. Part of the relief comes because of the lengthy time it’s been since I last felt that way. Tonight I found myself craving to go “back” there.

It’s a strange way to think about it. Actually it’s strange way to live all together. Most of the days I have life seems to be just great but I do not typically feel like my truest, most free, uninhibited, bold, passionate, and REAL self. Today I found myself wanting to go “back” to a place where it’s safe and can come quite naturally to feel true. Since this “place” is more a state of mind than anything else why I would refer to it as going “back”? Why isn’t it going “forward”? Moving forward. Moving ahead. The connotation on the phrase “going back” means you forgot something. You don’t want to move on. It’s scarier to move forward. It’s a negative connotation. Why do I have to go “back” to feel free? Shouldn’t I be moving ahead and becoming more and more who I want to be each day? Why isn’t it one of my goals to feel like my truest self EVERY day?

It’s been a while since I’ve even thought of this happy “place”. It’s probably because I have enough stuff going on in my life leaving very limited time to remember. When I do remember there isn’t room to stay thinking about such things. So it’s a scheduling issue? Calendar issue. Seems my true self makes less and less frequent visits the older I get. The more time that passes makes those moments come further and further apart. So it’s an age issue? Growing up. Is there one answer?

I see lots of quotes and intelligent and inspiring words while surfing around pinterest and instagram before I go to sleep at night. Often times I’ll read something I resonate with and like it so much that I put it into a pinboard I’ve named “Wow, that’s so Kim”. For a split second I get a tinge of the REAL me feeling. I feel affirmed in who the REAL me is. Here are some of my favorite ones so far…

I love being me. I really do. I know that’s a great blessing. I am content with being me and elated when I can be my truest self. Peaceful happiness in a state of returning “home” in a sense of where I belong.

This concludes my thoughts for this post. I’m going to have to do a “part two” of this post. I think I just started a series. On “Truest Self: Part Two” my task might be discussing possible ways to be my truest self MORE. My goal is to be as peacefully happy as God would will for me. I can’t but imagine that is the human God created me to be and should be always. Why should I be anyone else?

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It’s 3am again

Why wouldn’t I be posting? It’s 3am.

This past week I went back in time (as you may have read here) via my old blogs. I do mean OLD blogs… xanga, livejournal, all that good stuff. Before they called it blogging and it was closer to street art than what “blogging” is today. Still trying to break into my old myspace. I did have a blogspot and a typepad also at one point. I also wrote detailed lengthy letters to one of my best friends all throughout high school that I’m trying to track down. Those letters will surely be revealing. One common theme in all my writing through the last 15 years (yes, that long) was the post launch time… can you guess? 3am. Yes.

I’ve literarily ALWAYS been a night owl. Even as a baby my mom says almost right off the bat I had my days and nights mixed up. The night time provided the dark and quiet peace that has always focused my soul to write. Doesn’t mean I’m not afraid of the dark… but there are far less distractions at 3am. It’s a good type of alone.

Last night I got up around 1am (still rather early for me apparently) to get some food. I was at my parent’s house on Grammy duty. There’s this one cupboard at my mom’s that always smells like Bran Flakes. Even if there’s NO Bran Flakes in it! It’s one of those “smells like home” kind of smells that reassures you. Last week I opened this same cupboard only to find no bran flakes. For the record, I put about a pound of sugar on top of the Bran Flakes… who can even eat it plain? Why not just buy sugary cereal you ask? Good question, never thought about it. Bran Flakes with sugar though… perfect late night snack. Anyways, this week I open the cupboard to find…

 when you think you found your cereal...cupboard2

What the heck is this fake?!?!?! Market Basket brand!!! So fine, there is supposed “bran flakes” but not the brand name original… and then to make matters even worse THIS happens…

cupboard3

I mean… of all the evils in this world.

That was it. My punishment for eating wheat. I never have wheat/gluten. Anyways… I made my bowl of sugar with a little cereal on top and made my way over to the couch and watch something while I gobble down this feast before bed. Of course it’s the middle of the night so what’s on… Nick at Night! Boy Meets World it is. Ahh, Netflix, when will you add Boy Meets World to streaming?

Then it struck me that in the same year I’m trying to conceive an actual human being with my husband five years into marriage… I’m still able to go to the house I grew up in, eat my mom’s cereal, and basically reenact my middle and high school existence. Down to Boy Meets World and the late night blogging even. Am I even allowed to claim adulthood when I still have these capabilities? For a second I felt so little. Is there ever an age that you reach when flashbacks such as these no longer occur? And it really takes you back! Just like reading my old blog posts did.

It’s a surreal kind of week. I’ve actually really thrown myself for a loop.Will anyone ever understand why the adolescent years stick with us in such a unique way? It’s the shortest time period of your life! You’ll spend most of your time on earth as an adult NOT being young. However we’re always hearing our grandparents talk about “the good ol days” or when they were growing up. It really sticks with us no matter how much you try and block it out. Oh and I’ve tried 🙂

One more week of spending my Tuesday nights into Wednesday afternoons with Grammy. After that she’ll live in Virginia with my aunt for a month before she moves back to this area to live with yet another aunt and be reunited with my grandfather. So… next week will be the final bran flakes late night posting. Stay tuned. Exciting stuff here.