mysterious power of today

Today was just an overall sucky day. Even the things that happened that were good were sort of cloudy. Nine years ago today I lost a brother and close friend. This day has since had a very mysterious and frustrating hold on me. I wish it didn’t. Felipe will still be gone tomorrow, and yesterday my situation was no different either. But today. WHY? Nine years sounds like such a long time. Still, on this date it seems like no time has passed at all. Is year nine supposed to be one of the harder ones too? Because I feel like this one was a real doozy. I could barely look at the photo of him, even though I still posted it to my instagram. Ugh. I was grateful at the end of day to share my grief with my friend Evan who prayed over me with Clark. I ended up pulling myself together in the end. All day was tough. I woke up with a heaviness and it struck me immediately why… it’s the 23rd of October. I wondered how I was going to make it through the day. Why did I sign up to lead worship on the 23rd? Why was there a meeting scheduled for me dealing with heavy issues needing to be addressed? UGH. It was a very long day. It just gets me every time. Every year I promise myself that I won’t cry today.

I texted my mom this morning and said “trying to be happy today”. She reminded me that being happy isn’t the goal today. How right she is. It’s okay to grieve. Even in Evan’s prayer over me we thanked God that He grieves alongside us and allows us the space to do that. God isn’t afraid of my grief and He holds my hand and guides me through it if I let Him. Sometimes it’s just a tornado though. It grabs anything in it’s path and it’s devastating. Tonight my grief grabbed my brain and my worship leading… I let these circumstances really mess me. I guess I should not feel bad about that. I need to learn that it doesn’t matter how many years have passed, grief is grief. It comes in waves, it comes and goes, it does what it pleases. I know I do have some element of control over it, but mostly not. Sometimes I just need to cry! Then I get angry that I let today have that much power and control over my emotions. Shouldn’t I be bigger than this? Or like, more over it? Or, I don’t know. Yeah. No.

So for those of you dealing with grief out there as well… hi friends. You get me. When I lost Felipe my world was literarily turned upside down and nothing is the same and everything is suckier. Not that there hasn’t been some wonderful things happen since then. I got married. Three beautiful nephews. Fab met Kem. Ollie. Then again, all those joyous occasions – at least for today – sort of grieves me more. Even on happy days a part of me is still stuck on the day he died. My brother Fab stated it so perfectly this morning. A part of him was lost forever to October 23rd. There’s a part of you that just never moves on “likeΒ everything else moved on and time flew by” but a small part of him lives on this day nine years ago. On the one hand, nine years DID fly by. Because when we first lost him we would say silly things like “ugh, I just can’t wait until 5 years from now, 10 years, etc when things are a little better” like time couldΒ heal us or something. Well. Nine years later and grief is the same old crap, but may manifest a little different. Would I want to ever experience what I did on the first October 23rd?Β NO. Is there a stronger word than “NO” for that?! However, I could have never understood how grief is a life long process.

Cheers to the process. I guess. At least we’re going through it together friends. Right? I hope so.

Felipe, I will see you soon. “Home is heaven… one day Lord I will live”

La la la!

So we now are a house of five cats. When you have five cats the humans living in the same residence matter a whole lot less. For example, my moccasins used to be for my feet. Now they are for kitten naps. We share a bed (thankfully a king size… but still). That’s seven living breathing things sleeping on a bed. If I’m sleeping, well who cares about noise. If the kittens are bothered though… we have a problem.

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They were born about five weeks ago and have finally made it to the stage where they play, jump, and get into things! I’m LOVING it! Beyonce and Jay-Z had three babies… so of course one is named Blue Ivy. That’s the kitten we will keep. We will have to sell the other two (sad face). Blue is a striped orange kitty, one is all black like daddy, and one is a tortie just like mommy. I suppose it’s not the worst idea… cute kittens to play with for three months and then we make a few hundred bucks. How is this a bad plan? We might do it a time or two again.

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When Clark came home this evening he walked into a typical crazy cat lady scene. I was in bed, three kittens on top of me, eating chocolate, and drinking something sparkling from a wine glass. Why would anyone do anything else after a long hard day of work?

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The kittens have been really therapeutic for both myself and Clark. It’s so nice to come home to two cats who are excited to see and want some snuggles with their three tiny baby kittens. Sooooooooooo cute! They really haven’t been much extra work at all for us. They haven’t started eating or pooping on their own and Beyonce does all the work for us. We’ll see how I feel next week when they start to ween off momma’s milk and we move towards wet food.

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It’s been so cool seeing Beyonce become a mom, barely out of her own kitten status. Even Jay cares for the babies and helps keep them clean. If mom and dad are with me downstairs and they hear a noise from upstairs they will immediately run upstairs to check on the kids. Precious!

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^Blue is asleep… yes, asleep in this picture! Taken by my friend Abi.

The day we must let the two little kitties go off to their new families is going to be so tough! I’m very glad and grateful for the little kitties timing in our lives. Every time we see them it’s a little pick me up. New life! So exciting.

As of now…

Kim is:

Making: room for a new job! I start next tuesday, so pray for me! November 12th!
Cooking: chili… because my husband is out of the country and it is his least favorite meal, while it’s one of my favorites! My mom agrees… my chili rocks πŸ˜‰
Drinking: tea, more tea. and crystal lite.
Reading: not nearly as much as i’d want of my book, but more blogs!
Wanting: time! time with my husband in a peaceful place, like a peace-vacation!
Looking: for ways love my husband more
Playing: with fiiiiiyah! feel like i’m about to juggle one to many things, but gotta do what you gotta do!
Wasting: money on Starbucks, and more starbucks πŸ™‚
Sewing: ….pretty much nothing!
Wishing: that baked good were available for eating right now. or that room service was a real thing you could get in your own bed.
Enjoying: The O.C. reruns
Liking: spending time with my mom laughing at meme’s on pinterest!
Wondering: how i’m going to be feeling in about two months!
Loving: all the sweet reminders of how much i love my husband that i see, hear, or watch while he’s out of town! directly after i dropped him off at the airport i went to the grocery store and our wedding dance song was playing! things like this only happen when he’s away!Β 
Hoping: for a big fat paycheck to spend on clothes and christmas presents… just being honest!
Marveling: at all the pain that people experience and still have hope in Jesus!
Needing: some lotion right now… hoping my henna tattoo lasts a long time!
Smelling: my childhood home when it warms up during the winter, those old heaters! love it.
Wearing: pj’s…. all dayyyyyy son! day off swag
Following: Jesus
Noticing: my age… and the vas deferens between me and a 21 year old. even 21 year old me!
Knowing: that tomorrow is gunna suck if i don’t get some sleep
Thinking: about writing… a better blog, a book, i don’t know…
Feeling: like i need to eat cookie dough asap… serious craving…
Bookmarking: what i want to get people for christmas… we’ll see how it works out!
Opening: up a brand new pack of thin sharpies… teehee!!!!!
Giggling: not nearly as much as necessary!

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This is my favorite pic right now, of me and Jamie. ❀