Does getting older change you?

Today I read an article entitled “Things you should stop doing by the time you’re 30”. I overall thought it was a great list. It got me thinking. Not only do I believe there are certain habits you should have worked out by age 30, there are also mentalities and certain insecurities (for lack of better term). One assumption I made when I was younger is that the older I get the less I would care about what others think of me. It would seem very peculiar to me when I heard older people (women especially) talk about their need to look a certain way in public when “people” can see them. What? I’ve heard grown women talk about how bothered they were by someone who disagreed with them… as if they were ashamed to think what they think or are afraid to appear stupid. Are you not allowed to have an opinion? I’m over here thinking “who cares what they think?”

I guess I have to admit, from the start I’ve been blessed to have grown up with a mom who always encouraged my self-confidence. My sister and I have no problem being who we are and never make apologies for it. I guess our mom wanted us to have the confidence she felt she lacked especially in her younger days. Kendra and I always thought that was strange to hear because my mother is extremely brave and shares what is on her mind. We think she is #fierce! I am grateful for whatever it is that my parents did that availed me to growing up without [an over abundance of] insecurities, self-doubt, or thinking we couldn’t do something we put our mind to. I am not afraid to make desicions that are best for me even if that means doing something a friend of mine or colleague won’t like or understand.

Having that background, I know what you as a reader are likely thinking. How can I judge someone else then if they ARE 30 but still struggle with some things. Well, I didn’t exactly say I was judging people! I said it was strange to me! I’m sometimes confused by it. I believe certain things should be dealt with and conquered 12 years after you have graduated high school – or at least valid continuing attempts. Here was the list I read today of “8 things you should stop doing by the time you turn 30″…

1- depending financially on others

2- staying in a bad relationship

3- not de-stressing enough

4- not prioritizing sleep

5- crash dieting and eating too much junk food

6- binge drinking

7- hanging with toxic friends

8- not doing what you say you’re going to do

Even if this list was assembled by Cosmopolitan and shared on their snapchat story I still find myself emphatically agreeing! Where is the lie? Then again, there are certain things I could still be doing better (ahem, number 4). Still, tonight I find myself wondering. I recently had someone cancel lunch plans with me about an hour or two before we were supposed to meet. This person is an early 20’s girl. I had made time in my very busy schedule for this person and rearranged to make it work. Yet, I remember making similar desicions at that age and being super late to meetings with friends and others. I didn’t realize at the time how rude and inconsiderate it was. However, now I’m understanding things better. I have a better grip on life. I’m not perfect and still make mistakes, but overall I’ve learned some valuable lessons that I don’t think I’ll need to learn again soon (knock on wood). I made a LOT of progress each year of my 20’s. I feel like I’m a very different person now than I was even when I got married [at age 22]. Maybe I am being a little judgmental, everyone is different and has their own strengths. However, I just really don’t see how binge drinking or still hanging with toxic friends or especially staying in bad relationships can be excusable at 30. I know a lot of people carry heavy baggage from their childhood or past that they are still working out. I get that. Many people have gone through serious trials that have prevented them from being their best self in the past. I think of a friend of mine who is 30 and is struggling with PTSD after serving in Iraq. Can I blame them? Of course not. Everyone is different.

I think the people that bother me are those I know really don’t have any “valid excuse”. You know these people? This is why I could never work with college kids or young career age. Send me all the teens! Teenagers have an excuse, they’re still learning! When you are 26 and wondering if you should date a guy everyone knows is bad news… what is your problem? It’s a struggle for me to show certain people grace with that! Does getting older change you? Shouldn’t it? A better way to put this might be the following. It is not only the sole factor of time passing in your life (aging) that gives you a better grip, mindset, or habits… it is how you allow your experiences to shape and teach you. You can be your own teacher.

I was… okay, I am a stubborn person. One thing I did to help myself become a better learner is get a few older women to mentor me. When I’m having trouble learning my lessons (or even completely unaware I’m not learning my lesson), talking it out with my mentors help beyond words can describe. I have three women who are older and wiser with whom I share all with. One is in her 40’s, one is in her 50’s, and one is in her 60’s. Their feedback and advice is so helpful even when sharing a scary truth or something I hate to be wrong about I still covet their opinions. Each have proven to really hear me, listen to me, and know me. Each look out for me and have nothing but my best interest at heart. So, their advice is always spot on. Because there are three of them whenever I hear something from one that I’m still unsure about I can always share it with two other trusted sources. Each of them share my core values and beliefs and when all three are singing the same song to me – I know I gotta listen and follow through!

The other obvious answer is my faith. If you know me than you know I believe in God, love Jesus, and experience a relationship with Him that is life changing. If you’re a skeptic or have never heard from God yourself before and don’t believe – we can still be friends I hope. For me, God is the surest and realest part of my life. The wisdom and knowledge I receive from Him – the LOVE and acceptance that I receive – is better than any human wisdom or support. Jesus is the most consistent person in my life. The love, peace, understanding, and wisdom I receive from Him is beyond anything I could have hoped for. If you’re wondering about God email me today at Learnin2breathe.blog@gmail.com – I’m willing to talk to anyone in a judgement-free and safe context. I can try by best to answer any questions you might have.

Overall, hey you – yeah you in your 20’s. Be your best self. Work towards your goals. Don’t be that lazy and immature human at 30. You can make it. You can heal. You can progress. I promise! And I’ll try to have more patience and understanding as well 🙂 Maybe I can even help you like my mentors have helped me.

“Youth is a gift of nature, but age is a work of art” Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5

“A man who views the world the same way at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life” Muhammed Ali

“…suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:3-8 

mysterious power of today

Today was just an overall sucky day. Even the things that happened that were good were sort of cloudy. Nine years ago today I lost a brother and close friend. This day has since had a very mysterious and frustrating hold on me. I wish it didn’t. Felipe will still be gone tomorrow, and yesterday my situation was no different either. But today. WHY? Nine years sounds like such a long time. Still, on this date it seems like no time has passed at all. Is year nine supposed to be one of the harder ones too? Because I feel like this one was a real doozy. I could barely look at the photo of him, even though I still posted it to my instagram. Ugh. I was grateful at the end of day to share my grief with my friend Evan who prayed over me with Clark. I ended up pulling myself together in the end. All day was tough. I woke up with a heaviness and it struck me immediately why… it’s the 23rd of October. I wondered how I was going to make it through the day. Why did I sign up to lead worship on the 23rd? Why was there a meeting scheduled for me dealing with heavy issues needing to be addressed? UGH. It was a very long day. It just gets me every time. Every year I promise myself that I won’t cry today.

I texted my mom this morning and said “trying to be happy today”. She reminded me that being happy isn’t the goal today. How right she is. It’s okay to grieve. Even in Evan’s prayer over me we thanked God that He grieves alongside us and allows us the space to do that. God isn’t afraid of my grief and He holds my hand and guides me through it if I let Him. Sometimes it’s just a tornado though. It grabs anything in it’s path and it’s devastating. Tonight my grief grabbed my brain and my worship leading… I let these circumstances really mess me. I guess I should not feel bad about that. I need to learn that it doesn’t matter how many years have passed, grief is grief. It comes in waves, it comes and goes, it does what it pleases. I know I do have some element of control over it, but mostly not. Sometimes I just need to cry! Then I get angry that I let today have that much power and control over my emotions. Shouldn’t I be bigger than this? Or like, more over it? Or, I don’t know. Yeah. No.

So for those of you dealing with grief out there as well… hi friends. You get me. When I lost Felipe my world was literarily turned upside down and nothing is the same and everything is suckier. Not that there hasn’t been some wonderful things happen since then. I got married. Three beautiful nephews. Fab met Kem. Ollie. Then again, all those joyous occasions – at least for today – sort of grieves me more. Even on happy days a part of me is still stuck on the day he died. My brother Fab stated it so perfectly this morning. A part of him was lost forever to October 23rd. There’s a part of you that just never moves on “like everything else moved on and time flew by” but a small part of him lives on this day nine years ago. On the one hand, nine years DID fly by. Because when we first lost him we would say silly things like “ugh, I just can’t wait until 5 years from now, 10 years, etc when things are a little better” like time could heal us or something. Well. Nine years later and grief is the same old crap, but may manifest a little different. Would I want to ever experience what I did on the first October 23rd? NO. Is there a stronger word than “NO” for that?! However, I could have never understood how grief is a life long process.

Cheers to the process. I guess. At least we’re going through it together friends. Right? I hope so.

Felipe, I will see you soon. “Home is heaven… one day Lord I will live”

La la la!

So we now are a house of five cats. When you have five cats the humans living in the same residence matter a whole lot less. For example, my moccasins used to be for my feet. Now they are for kitten naps. We share a bed (thankfully a king size… but still). That’s seven living breathing things sleeping on a bed. If I’m sleeping, well who cares about noise. If the kittens are bothered though… we have a problem.

IMG_4108 1

They were born about five weeks ago and have finally made it to the stage where they play, jump, and get into things! I’m LOVING it! Beyonce and Jay-Z had three babies… so of course one is named Blue Ivy. That’s the kitten we will keep. We will have to sell the other two (sad face). Blue is a striped orange kitty, one is all black like daddy, and one is a tortie just like mommy. I suppose it’s not the worst idea… cute kittens to play with for three months and then we make a few hundred bucks. How is this a bad plan? We might do it a time or two again.

IMG_3337 3

When Clark came home this evening he walked into a typical crazy cat lady scene. I was in bed, three kittens on top of me, eating chocolate, and drinking something sparkling from a wine glass. Why would anyone do anything else after a long hard day of work?

IMG_3478 1

The kittens have been really therapeutic for both myself and Clark. It’s so nice to come home to two cats who are excited to see and want some snuggles with their three tiny baby kittens. Sooooooooooo cute! They really haven’t been much extra work at all for us. They haven’t started eating or pooping on their own and Beyonce does all the work for us. We’ll see how I feel next week when they start to ween off momma’s milk and we move towards wet food.

IMG_3321 2

It’s been so cool seeing Beyonce become a mom, barely out of her own kitten status. Even Jay cares for the babies and helps keep them clean. If mom and dad are with me downstairs and they hear a noise from upstairs they will immediately run upstairs to check on the kids. Precious!

IMG_3820 2

^Blue is asleep… yes, asleep in this picture! Taken by my friend Abi.

The day we must let the two little kitties go off to their new families is going to be so tough! I’m very glad and grateful for the little kitties timing in our lives. Every time we see them it’s a little pick me up. New life! So exciting.

Truest Self

Hey guys. Officially I’m on a posting break (as you may have seen here), but unofficially here I am at L2B past midnight. Typical. I’ve been traveling a lot this summer and otherwise attempting to “rest” my creative posting brains in order to save up and prep for fall posting schedule. So, either I’m about to break that concept apart completely or come up with something genius. We’ll see.

I’ve been thinking today about your truest self. Have you ever been to place where you felt free and back to the real “you”? Maybe you went back to a childhood cabin on a serene lake and suddenly remembered the “breath of fresh air” for you soul. It comes when you feel most like yourself. The truest form of YOU. More free and unburdened. No distractions or limits to just being you. It’s like you felt a good and familiar bright white cloud fade back in… nothing like the current darkened skies of burdens, fears, or anxiety. You think “it feels good to be me again”. Just me. You can feel safe and think about whatever comforts you want. For me, there are a few triggers that in retrospect I can identify. Smells. Places. A specific scent or location and now today it’s also apparently a movie.

I just watched (for the second time) “Best of Me” which is based on a Nicholas Sparks book, of course. I don’t like or condone everything in the film but I found the story and female lead character fascinating. As a teenager she was uninhibited and loved and dreamed in her truest form. As an adult, over twenty years later, she returns to a specific place that helped define her in those younger truer years. I’m watching this scene and all of a sudden I’m feeling so pleased. I’m remembering times where I returned in a full circle sort of way to find myself at my truest form. I’m happy that I can go to places or find space and time to return again. Moments in time and space where I can find myself to just sit back and let out a sigh of relief that I’m free to be me with complete contentment. Part of the relief comes because of the lengthy time it’s been since I last felt that way. Tonight I found myself craving to go “back” there.

It’s a strange way to think about it. Actually it’s strange way to live all together. Most of the days I have life seems to be just great but I do not typically feel like my truest, most free, uninhibited, bold, passionate, and REAL self. Today I found myself wanting to go “back” to a place where it’s safe and can come quite naturally to feel true. Since this “place” is more a state of mind than anything else why I would refer to it as going “back”? Why isn’t it going “forward”? Moving forward. Moving ahead. The connotation on the phrase “going back” means you forgot something. You don’t want to move on. It’s scarier to move forward. It’s a negative connotation. Why do I have to go “back” to feel free? Shouldn’t I be moving ahead and becoming more and more who I want to be each day? Why isn’t it one of my goals to feel like my truest self EVERY day?

It’s been a while since I’ve even thought of this happy “place”. It’s probably because I have enough stuff going on in my life leaving very limited time to remember. When I do remember there isn’t room to stay thinking about such things. So it’s a scheduling issue? Calendar issue. Seems my true self makes less and less frequent visits the older I get. The more time that passes makes those moments come further and further apart. So it’s an age issue? Growing up. Is there one answer?

I see lots of quotes and intelligent and inspiring words while surfing around pinterest and instagram before I go to sleep at night. Often times I’ll read something I resonate with and like it so much that I put it into a pinboard I’ve named “Wow, that’s so Kim”. For a split second I get a tinge of the REAL me feeling. I feel affirmed in who the REAL me is. Here are some of my favorite ones so far…

I love being me. I really do. I know that’s a great blessing. I am content with being me and elated when I can be my truest self. Peaceful happiness in a state of returning “home” in a sense of where I belong.

This concludes my thoughts for this post. I’m going to have to do a “part two” of this post. I think I just started a series. On “Truest Self: Part Two” my task might be discussing possible ways to be my truest self MORE. My goal is to be as peacefully happy as God would will for me. I can’t but imagine that is the human God created me to be and should be always. Why should I be anyone else?

Is it me against the world?

Anybody ever feel like you are the only person on the planet trying to do the right thing? Even though you know that’s not true you still wonder why you work so hard, so sacrificially even, while others continue to crap on you? Why even bother working that hard at doing the right thing…? A while ago I did a post on choices over at 47 Grove. When I was younger I had no problem with the concept of “thankless” good deeds. As an adult I’ve had more time and experience to see real messed up stuff happen. Maybe that’s why it is now sometimes harder to understand why you can do everything right and still get crapped on. Perseverance used to come a lot easier. I went so far as to look up the definition of the word “persevere”…. continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success. One synonym given was literarily to “struggle on”. I guess “the struggle is real” is an actual thing. Even if you have been around long enough to know doing the right thing means you’ll likely still get crapped on… it’s not until you’re actually IN the crap that things really get tough. You know it’s coming, and yet still when it hits you wonder why life is spinning.

I could be a beach bum. For the rest of my life! I love the sound of that career. I could sell art on the boardwalk. I could wear a bathing suit every day. I could even do a little ministry and pray for people along the beach, right? Doesn’t that sound a whole lot better right now? Costa Rica has nice beaches I’ve heard. Beach missions.

Hmmm… God doesn’t seem to have called me to a life of beach missions. Bummah. Instead I’m in the trenches of what many have called the “thankless ministry”. They call it youth ministry. In all actuality it’s more like babysitting, mentoring, coaching, life guarding, cleaning, driving, car pooling, feeding, reading, pick ups, nursing, juggling, praying, praying, and really praying that everyone turns out alright. Myself included. The beach sounds a lot easier though! Maybe someday. Possibly around retirement age. That’s okay.

I’m not the only one to have experienced an unwanted or seemingly undeserved ending to a really good / moral / or even evangelistic deed. I think of the many times in the Bible people who were in the middle of doing the right thing got crapped on. Paul and Silas were thrown in prison. Jesus’ disciples were arrested, tortured, murdered. Mary saw her miracle baby brutally killed in front of her own eyes. Let’s not even go Old Testament here. Daniel was thrown in a pit with vicious lions. Noah was mocked by his entire society. Let’s not even go there with Job or Jeremiah.

I guess I feel pretty stupid now. Many have experienced far harsher trials than my own. One thing I’m always telling my kids is that God always keeps His promises, and to remember that He promises this life will be hard and… the struggle is real. Dang, I knew saying that all the time would come back to bite me someday. Taking my own advice.

We aren’t supposed to feel good after every right decision. We are supposed to feel right about every good decision. Sometimes you’ll be thrown for a loop. The ending won’t be what you wanted, could have guessed or even deserved. So let’s examine again why we do the right thing. First reason, because I’m called by the God who I love. After sacrificing for me I know that I can sacrifice for Him. I can do what He’s asked because I love Him and He is God. Second reason, because others will benefit from my right decision even if I don’t. Third reason, because someday I will be rewarded. Oh, and it will be a great great reward in heaven. God will bless me on earth as well according to how He sees fit. Fourth and final reason, because I trust Him. God knows what He’s doing. and I don’t need to question why. I just need to serve. I just need to make right choices. I just need to be faithful. I trust God for the rest. He knows what I need better than I do.

Guess what… it still sucks to get crapped on. Ha! Yeah, I know. So there are things you can do during those times. As you can see, I tend to blog a bit! It releases tension for me and provides a safe place to get all my thoughts out in the open. I often figure out a lesson God’s been trying to teach me after I read my own thoughts that I’ve poured out while writing. I also make sure I am resting, taking a sabbath each week, and caring for my health properly. I escape to the beach when I need to. I get some fresh air and clear my head. I do something I really enjoy for an afternoon if it’s well deserved. I call someone who I know understands or cares and just have a conversation with them. Even if it’s not extraordinarily deep it means something to have someone you care about talk to you on the phone for a bit. I take a deep breathe. I take a sip of my coffee. Eventually I find my way back to my prayer closet. I read my Bible. I ask God for wisdom. I try and move forward. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. There’s isn’t a better way. There isn’t a short cut. Believe me, I’ve learned the hard way.

It’s troubling sometimes the amount of hardship we can expect to come. Even still I reminded that God has given me all the means to make it through. If I’m filled with the Holy Spirit and my God is for me… who can be against me?

Fluffy Meowington’s Cat Toy

Have you ever had a character in book become so beloved that at some point you actually felt like they were apart of your life? Using the word “book” rather than “tv show” made me sound very cultured and smart, right? Actually there have been two tv shows that I’ve watched through the years that have been so much apart of my life. When it’s a book or character from a book it’s acceptable and you’re cultured. Why can’t I just be honest and say it’s been the same with certain shows too? It’s all media after all.

Friends and One Tree Hill. Yessss! Before those who are more conservative than others start in on me (especially about Friends)… I admit and understand there are much debaucherous acts and terrible examples of integrity on these shows – especially as it relates to sex. It’s tv, it’s media, it’s put out there by the world… I get it. I do have standards and there are shows that I will not watch, but I do watch Friends. On these shows there are also some really great examples of friendship, family, supportive relationships, hard choices, positive transformation, standing up for yourself or others. I’m going to talk about why these shows have been so meaningful for me WITHOUT giving away too much or any big spoilers just in case you haven’t watched yet. Both are streaming on Netflix so you really have no excuses!

The characters of Friends have kept me laughing since I started watching during season 7 (somewhere around 2001?). Of course I backtracked and watched all the seasons on DVD. I watched only the final four seasons live on television. I remember watching the finale and feeling like I was loosing six of my actual friends. I think one reason we tend to cling towards a show via pinterest or start to feel attached is because it can be the most consistent thing in our lives. Sounds a little crazy but let me explain. I started watching friends when I was a teenager. Watched it all through jr high and high school… then in college… and into my adult years. I can’t think of anything or anyone else who was consistently there making me laugh. Even after the series ended in 2004 I would always have Friends on in the background, or my roommate and I would fall asleep to it. It was a comfort having something on that I knew so well. For the record, the only thing I felt pressured to do after watching Friends is to have great friends myself… and maybe in later seasons to go update my wardrobe! I’m not saying that’s what everyone felt or should have experienced. Maybe for you the show isn’t something you can or should be watching. Things I appreciated about the show (to name just a few)… Monica and Chandler’s relationship, Joey and Phoebe’s friendship, and Gunther pouring coffee over heartfelt conversations. When I needed to genuinely laugh and be happy – I would watch this show with a loved one! We all need a little laugh every day. I also really related to Monica’s struggle with her family. When I was in high school I had such a great group of friends that I felt so close with! I just wished we lived across the hall from each other or in the next building like the characters on Friends did. That’s not a bad wish. I think I secretly thought we’d all end up buying houses on the same street some day. Maybe I still hold onto that dream a little bit 🙂

When I watched One Tree Hill I felt like I had learned a new value lesson after each episode. The school of OTH! I used even wonder if someone on the show grew up in church or had a Christian influence. Each character grew and changed just like I had over over the years. We witnessed them graduate high school, get married, have kids, find their call in life… just like I did. OTH is like soul food for me. I feel like a part of me is in the show after watching so much transformation take place. When I needed a laugh I would watch Friends, but when I needed to feel understood or that I wasn’t alone in the struggle I would watch One Tree Hill. If there’s hope for these characters then there is certainly hope for me. The show also used art and music to speak volumes of truth. They also tackled the issue of grief after loosing a loved one. They did it perfectly and was so relatable and touching for me to watch after loosing my own loved one. So much I appreciated about this show that is really different than anything out there.

Disclaimer: Of course neither show was my main or even second or third source of comfort, happiness or support. Whenever I truly felt like no one on earth understands – I go to my heavenly Father. Whenever I am feeling so depression or down – I look to the heavens from where my help comes from. I also have an incredible husband, loving friends and family. Don’t read this the wrong way. I love my real friends more than tv shows! There is just something about the consistency and lessons learned from these shows that really have made a small impact on my life. Plus these were shows that I really shared WITH my loved ones! All of my friends know each FRIENDS episode by heart and we laugh together, send each other inside jokes from the show, and it’s great! So many of my friends and teenagers I work with are inspired by the characters of OTH and talking about it affirms life! God can use anything to speak to you or even use to connect with another human who needs a little encouragement. Sometimes talking about these shows are my way to break the ice with someone who needs a friend (no pun intended) or a mentor. Keith Scott status mentor!

I’m going to leave you with some of my favorite quotes from each show. I’ve already quoted OTH on both of my blogs so I’ll try and choose some new ones for you!

“My strength is from Jesus Christ. I am going to miss my baby boy for the rest of this life but I know we are going to see him again and our faith will see us through.” -One Tree Hill, said by Denise (Q’s Mom)

“Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it!” -Friends, said by Monica episode 1

“You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It’s not. It’s just garbage and it’s pain. You know what’s better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you’re wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it.” -One Tree Hill, said by Haley

“It’s a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion; it doesn’t matter. It’s moo.” -Friends, said by Joey

“Tree Hill is just a place somewhere in the world. Maybe it’s a lot like your world, maybe it’s nothing like it. But if you look closer, you might see someone like you, or someone like you. Someone trying to find their way. Someone trying to find their place. Someone trying to find their self. Sometimes it seems like you are the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, unsatisfied, barely getting by. But that feeling’s a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes – someone to help us hear the music in their world, to remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you” -One Tree Hill, said by Lucas

“She’s your lobster. C’mon you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws. See? He’s her lobster!” -Friends, said by Phoebe about Ross and Rachel

“Every once in a while, people step up they rise above themselves sometimes they surprise you and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard but if you look close enough, you can find hope in the words of children, in the bars of the song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you’re lucky, if you’re the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.” -One Tree Hill, said by Nathan

“I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And if you’ll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?” -Friends, said by Chandler

“The rest of your life is a long time and whether you know it or not it’s being shaped right now. You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices or you can fight back. Things aren’t always going to be fair in the real world, that’s just the way it is but for the most part you get what you give. Let me ask you all a question. What’s worse: not getting everything you wished for or getting it but finding out it’s not enough? The rest of your life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase, the choices you make and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time and the rest of your life starts right now.” -One Tree Hill, said by Haley

“I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in a sacastic comment?” -Friends, said by Chandler

“Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won’t be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it’s only in the black of night you see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for. Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined.” -One Tree Hill, said by Coach Whitey Durham

It’s 3am again

Why wouldn’t I be posting? It’s 3am.

This past week I went back in time (as you may have read here) via my old blogs. I do mean OLD blogs… xanga, livejournal, all that good stuff. Before they called it blogging and it was closer to street art than what “blogging” is today. Still trying to break into my old myspace. I did have a blogspot and a typepad also at one point. I also wrote detailed lengthy letters to one of my best friends all throughout high school that I’m trying to track down. Those letters will surely be revealing. One common theme in all my writing through the last 15 years (yes, that long) was the post launch time… can you guess? 3am. Yes.

I’ve literarily ALWAYS been a night owl. Even as a baby my mom says almost right off the bat I had my days and nights mixed up. The night time provided the dark and quiet peace that has always focused my soul to write. Doesn’t mean I’m not afraid of the dark… but there are far less distractions at 3am. It’s a good type of alone.

Last night I got up around 1am (still rather early for me apparently) to get some food. I was at my parent’s house on Grammy duty. There’s this one cupboard at my mom’s that always smells like Bran Flakes. Even if there’s NO Bran Flakes in it! It’s one of those “smells like home” kind of smells that reassures you. Last week I opened this same cupboard only to find no bran flakes. For the record, I put about a pound of sugar on top of the Bran Flakes… who can even eat it plain? Why not just buy sugary cereal you ask? Good question, never thought about it. Bran Flakes with sugar though… perfect late night snack. Anyways, this week I open the cupboard to find…

 when you think you found your cereal...cupboard2

What the heck is this fake?!?!?! Market Basket brand!!! So fine, there is supposed “bran flakes” but not the brand name original… and then to make matters even worse THIS happens…

cupboard3

I mean… of all the evils in this world.

That was it. My punishment for eating wheat. I never have wheat/gluten. Anyways… I made my bowl of sugar with a little cereal on top and made my way over to the couch and watch something while I gobble down this feast before bed. Of course it’s the middle of the night so what’s on… Nick at Night! Boy Meets World it is. Ahh, Netflix, when will you add Boy Meets World to streaming?

Then it struck me that in the same year I’m trying to conceive an actual human being with my husband five years into marriage… I’m still able to go to the house I grew up in, eat my mom’s cereal, and basically reenact my middle and high school existence. Down to Boy Meets World and the late night blogging even. Am I even allowed to claim adulthood when I still have these capabilities? For a second I felt so little. Is there ever an age that you reach when flashbacks such as these no longer occur? And it really takes you back! Just like reading my old blog posts did.

It’s a surreal kind of week. I’ve actually really thrown myself for a loop.Will anyone ever understand why the adolescent years stick with us in such a unique way? It’s the shortest time period of your life! You’ll spend most of your time on earth as an adult NOT being young. However we’re always hearing our grandparents talk about “the good ol days” or when they were growing up. It really sticks with us no matter how much you try and block it out. Oh and I’ve tried 🙂

One more week of spending my Tuesday nights into Wednesday afternoons with Grammy. After that she’ll live in Virginia with my aunt for a month before she moves back to this area to live with yet another aunt and be reunited with my grandfather. So… next week will be the final bran flakes late night posting. Stay tuned. Exciting stuff here.